How can I be more confident?

I get asked this question quite a bit.

“I’m just not a confident person. It’s not my nature.”  

Usually, people are looking for something that will help them think, feel or act differently the next time they walk into a meeting or speak up.

I used to think that was how confidence worked—that it was a state of mind or just something you naturally had or didn’t have. But over time, I’ve come to see it a little differently: as something that comes from knowledge and experience.

If you think about it, the question isn’t that different from asking how to become stronger or faster. You don’t become stronger by thinking you’re strong—you become stronger by lifting weights, over and over again. You don’t become faster by telling yourself you’re fast—you become faster by running.

Confidence seems to work in a similar way. It comes from doing something enough times that you begin to understand it and build real evidence that you can handle what’s in front of you. Without that foundation, what feels like confidence can sometimes be something else—closer to delusion or even a lack of self-awareness.

That said, being confident and appearing confident are not the same thing. There are times when you are not confident, but still need to show composure and presence. This is where “fake it until you make it” can be useful—but only to a point. It doesn’t mean pretending to know something you don’t or speaking with certainty when you’re unsure.  There is a real line there and crossing it can undermine credibility.

Instead, appearing confident is less about being the loudest voice and more about how you engage. It can be asking a thoughtful question when you don’t have the answer, offering a perspective while acknowledging uncertainty or simply demonstrating curiosity and a willingness to participate rather than being preoccupied with how you’re being perceived. 

I also think imposter syndrome is often misunderstood; it’s not always about confidence or self-doubt. In fact, self-doubt can be healthy; it pushes you to prepare and improve. What we call imposter syndrome often arises when perception, reality and expectation don’t line up. In other words, it’s the tension between what I think I can do, what I can actually do, and what I believe I should be able to do, with that last standard often taking precedence, even when it may not be realistic or accurate.

So the next time you find yourself lacking confidence, it may be worth pausing to ask: is this feeling valid? Given my current knowledge and experience, should I feel this way? And if so, what do I need to learn or do more of so that confidence becomes a natural byproduct?

It’s not the quickest answer, but it might be one worth considering.