I'm sorry

One of the recurring topics in my client discussions is the frequent and overuse of “I’m sorry…” Whether it's a delayed response to a LinkedIn invitation, sending multiple messages instead of one coherent one, or even technical issues during a Zoom call, many Asian Women find themselves apologizing for things that might not warrant an apology.

It’s a well-known fact that women apologize more often than men. We commonly say “I’m sorry” without even realizing it or use it as a filler or a preface to a statement, without really meaning to apologize - for instance, “I’m sorry, but…” This tendency is especially pronounced among Asian Women. Furthermore, what stands out even more to me is that Asian Women genuinely mean it when they say they’re “sorry”. But should we?

Why do we feel the need to apologize so frequently? Is it a cultural tendency to be accommodating and polite, or perhaps a reflection of our own internalized expectations? It’s possible that we have a lower threshold for what we consider offensive. However, if that were the case, we should also have a similar level of intolerance for offenses by others, yet we often exhibit just the opposite behavior.

It’s one thing to apologize for a genuine mistake, but another when we apologize because we feel “bad” for not meeting a standard we've set for ourselves, even if that standard isn't necessarily realistic or clear. Apologizing unnecessarily can have unintended consequences, such as shifting or reinforcing power dynamics in relationships. When someone offers an unnecessary apology, it can inadvertently signal a lack of confidence or assertiveness. On the other hand, the recipient of such an apology may gain an advantage, even if unintentional, as it subtly acknowledges a perceived fault.

A sincere apology is a very powerful tool in relationships and can demonstrate one’s authenticity, humility and emotional intelligence. However, an overuse of apologies can dilute and diminish their impact, potentially undermining our credibility and self-confidence. As a result, even a genuine apology offered when warranted doesn’t serve as a demonstration of strength of character but instead may perpetuate an image of weakness.

So, the next time you are about to say, “I’m sorry”, take a moment to assess not only if you really mean it but also whether you should mean it. Understanding the difference can help you navigate the fine line between politeness and preserving your integrity and authenticity.

#Apologies #Communication #Culturalnorms #AsianWomen